I am a C-130 Navigator in the Air Force and have been on 3 tours to Iraq. Every time I come home and visit family and friends they seem to walk on eggshells about discussing my experiences. I want to talk to them but also don't want to center attention on myself. When I am not in the desert, I really want to forget about it, and I just want to be a civilian when I am visiting with them.

The operations tempo is really starting to affect my family back in NH. When we first started to deploy there was a concern in my their voices but they knew we had a job to do. I don't think they knew that this whole thing would last this long and that they would have to spend so much time worrying. It's hard to explain but when you are out here home seems so far away and it is easy to become detached and even unaware of how hard this can be on loved ones too. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make up missed birthdays and holidays to my family but I guess that's why we look to the future. I can't imagine having a child stationed in the desert and watching the news every night. They also get really upset when they hear that the food is awful and that we are only allowed 15 minute phone calls. I can't tell you how upset they get when the phones cut off automatically.

I sometimes feel bad putting them through this and I can tell you right now that if I ever have children and a recruiter walks through my door he better have running shoes on.

It is my birthday today and I was up at 12am watching the date switch over. It is not that I am particularly excited about my last year in my twenties, I just couldn't believe how much this did not feel like a birthday. I climbed to the top of a berm overlooking an expanse of moonlit desert and sat and thought about a birthday I had when I was a kid.

My father was a volunteer firefighter and his station would sell Christmas trees as a fund raiser. I used to love to get bundled up and help him out by sorting trees or picking up dropped tags. I never felt so happy than that time of year when I was a kid and my birthday would come with Christmas just a week away. Sometimes when I close my eyes, that feeling returns for just a moment. I really needed that tonight.

The greatest effect the war has had on me is my great and deep respect for the ground troops. We see a lot of action flying in and out of hostile airfields but noting compares to what the guys and girls on the ground are experiencing. I get to talk to many of the troops as they get on board and I have grown to care deeply for them. I fight back tears every time we fly the flagged draped coffin of a fallen soldier out of theater because as far as I am concerned, I knew them, even if for a brief passing moment. I know their faces, their smiles, and their courage and it tears me apart to hear political finger pointing and negative reporting. I began to ask myself why we are there. I began to doubt the overall mission. As a result, I decided that I am not flying missions politicians, for Iraqi's, for oil, or for land. I fly every mission for the Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, and Sailors that we carry.

I flew a unit back to Kuwait a few nights ago and was finishing up my after landing duties in the cargo compartment of the aircraft. An older looking Sergeant Major waved me over to where he was sitting and reached out to shake my hand and thank me. He said that he and his family had been waiting over a year for that flight out of Iraq. I thanked him in return and he was off. That moment meant more to me than any other in my career in uniform. That's what it is all about.

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