"The year 2003 has come and gone and once again I find myself looking back on what I have accomplished in the last year. It is amazing to me that I only spent 2 months in the United States over the last year. I have been in a war torn country living a pretty normal life. Well normal to me since it is all I have known for the last year. Let me start back in January. I went to the Primary Leadership Development Course at Fort Campbell as a Specialist promotable. While at PLDC I learned a great deal about what it takes to be a good leader. I made some great friendships and met a wonderful guy. During our last few days, my division received deployment orders. We were going to war. Suddenly the focus of our discussions shifted to leading troops in a wartime situation. All of the students were either E-4's or E-5's. A few had been to Afghanistan and gave some helpful advice, but for most of us this was going to be our first real world mission. A few soldiers were pulled from class to begin deployment stuff and it was clear that this was going to be huge. Graduation day finally came and we all stood tall, mostly because we were freezing. After all, there was 2 inches of snow on the ground and were not allowed to wear jackets or gloves. So we shivered as some sergeant major spoke about who knows what. We all departed and went to our units. The next two weeks were a blur. We had to get a million and two shots, draw up Wills and power of attorney. Pack and make sure all our personal stuff was in order. Then the day came to board the plane and head to Kuwait. That day drug on. I mentioned earlier about meeting a wonderful guy and I'm gonna tell you more about him. His name is Will and him and I had spent every second together after PLDC. He was there with me up until the time we were put on lockdown. We said our "see ya laters" and he headed home. I didn't know when I would see him again, but I knew it would be sooner than later. Anyway, we got on the plane and that brought me to Kuwait. "

"Now we are in March and are waiting for our turn to head north. We were staying at a camp in the desert and it just so happened to be the same camp Will was at. We would see each other when we could. The night before he was heading north I went to see him at his truck, which was lined up in a sea of other trucks. We just looked at each other for a while and I told him to be careful and one of his guys that he was responsible for bringing him home safe. We just held hands and said we loved each other. The last thing he asked me before I walked away was if I wanted to get a place together when we got back. I smiled and said of course. On the way back to my side of the camp I looked at the stars and made a wish. A few days later we headed north."

"We spent time in An Najaf. Two weeks to be exact then headed north to Baghdad. Baghdad was a welcomed place because we lived in buildings instead of tents. But we had to walk 5 steep flights of stairs to go to bed, and had to run down five flights to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. We all had thought we were going to be at this place for a few months and then head back south and go home. Man we were wrong. During this time I did get to see Will again. But it was not a good visit. To put it in a nutshell, we called things off between the two of us. Looking back, that was the best thing for us at the time. Anyway, so we get told to start packing our stuff and that we are moving again. But not south. We are headed north to a city called Mosul. After two days on the road we pull into a palace compound. Holy cow! Was this my new home? I mean here we are at war and we are living in one of Hussein's palaces. How ironic."

"Mosul turned out to be wonderful place for our division to be. A few days after we got in this city, we held an election for Mayor. This hadn't been done for as long as some could remember. We were reaching out to these people and doing good for them before they had a chance to hate us for being there. We started rebuilding villages, clinics, banks, and playgrounds. We were giving them things they had never had before. It has taken them a while to realize that they are a free people now and can voice their opinions without fear. There is however a few small groups of loyalists that would like nothing more than to kill all of the Americans, but the majority of the people welcome us."

"Over the months I have been in Mosul I have learned a great deal about myself and have come to appreciate a lot of different things. I have seen every emotion possible on the faces of these people. I have seen fear, sadness, hunger, joy and curiosity. I have seen babies with no food to eat or water to drink. I have seen the conditions these people live in. I have driven through what looked like muddy water only to find out that it was human waste. I have seen children walk barefoot down these same streets. I have heard stories of torture chambers and seen the scars on some of the men's bodies. I have seen the joy in a child's eye when given a bottle of water. I have seen them run and dance at the sight of any American soldier. I think I have received more flowers from kids out here than I have my entire life. I have had a million kisses on my cheek. A million smiles, a million thumbs up, a million thank you's, and a million hugs and hand shakes. Almost every smile, handshake, kiss, flower, and thank you has come from a child. To me, what they think of us is more important than what their parents think. They will see the results of what we have done here more than their parents will. They will raise their children in a free country and teach them not to hate. They are the future of this country."

"The emotions that I have felt over the last year are many. I felt isolated for the first few months of the deployment and I missed home more than ever. I have been away from home for about 6 years now, but have always been close enough to drive or fly home for the weekend. So I never really missed home like I did out here. I was scared of what could happen to me up north. The thought of chemical weapons put a different kind of fear inside me. I can't even explain it. The first time I went out on the streets I felt surrounded with no way out. Everywhere I looked there were people. I felt like an animal in a zoo. All eyes were on me and my every move. It didn't help that I was a female in uniform. This was something the people had never seen before. I choked back tears when we would raise my American flag each morning and lower it at night. I cried when I listened to certain songs that would have never brought a tear to my eye before. The first time I was given a flower and looked into the kids eyes I felt honored. I felt like a hero. And I was a hero, to them. I would go to clinics and the women nurses would always want to shake my hand or give me a hug. To them I was their hero. I was thankful for everything we were doing for these people."

"Then my feelings changed. Our troops were getting attacked on patrols, the people were stealing what we had just fixed, and they were yelling at us to leave. I started to hate. I hated the people in this city. I wouldn't wave at kids or even give them half a smile. I would drive around with sunglasses on so that they could not see my eyes. I hated them. All I wanted was to go home and forget about these people. Let them put their country back together without us. They are ruining everything we did anyway. They were killing our soldiers. No longer could we go out to eat in the city or even stop at a store to pick some computer parts up. We had our guards up more than we ever did. I filmed one too many memorial services and had to add one too many names at the end of our division music video. I was fed up. I was full of anger and hate. That has now subsided a little but I still do not give anyone on the street the time of day. "

"I had to watch one of my friends fall to the ground when he found out one of his buddies had died. I had to see the tears run down his face and hear the words come out of his mouth. I cried many times as a result of that. At his memorial service I had to look at the ground so that no one would see me cry. I have had to learn to be tough and not let my emotions show. I have had to put my emotions aside when someone else needed to let their out. I have learned the true meaning of trust and comraderie between soldiers. It is amazing how much you find out about people when you are under attack. Take my soldier for example. The day we were attacked by mortars he ran up to my balcony with all my battle rattle and weapon. He wanted to make sure that I was ok. He didn't even concern himself with going outside and filming where the mortars hit. He concerned himself with making sure I was ok. He was the only one that came up to make sure I was ok. Now he is the only one I will have in my truck on convoys because I know he has my back. I trust him with my life and he trust me with his."

"I have had some huge smiles as well. When you see kids playing soccer with soldiers or see them playing on a new playground you can't help but smile. I can't help but laugh when a kid dances as we drive by or tries to chase us down the street just because. Or hell, when a herd of sheep blocks the road you can't help but put your hand on your Kevlar and giggle."

"Spending Christmas out here really wasn't as bad as it could have been. Sure I was not with my family in Colorado, but I was with my Army family. We were here together and made the best of it. We sat at the dinner table and made jokes toward each other and talked about the ones we really didn't like. The only thing missing was the regular arguments between the relatives. And now it is New Years Eve. And it sucks! I know I will be in bed before midnight and tomorrow will just be another groundhog day. With one exception, when I write the date I will have to remember to write 2004. This year came to a close on a high note, Will and I admitted that we are still crazy bout each other and got back together. All in all the year 2003 was a good one. A fast one, but a good one. And unlike a lot of people I have it all on videotape. So I say to 2003, thank you. And as for 2004, I guess it can't get any worse! Happy New Year!"

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